Low lows and High highs

The idea of highs and lows seems so trivial to me, but then I remember that in life there is usually a season for everything. Just like life, in triathlon there is a season for everything, you have your highs, lows and the normal mundane moments. If you’re starting from nothing, the first high would probably be finishing a 200m swim for the first time, getting your first bicycle or perhaps even eating a gel that does not result in you having to run to the toilet immediately after consuming it. Those little moments tend to be your highs, but just like in life, accompanied with the highs are the lows. Those lows look a lot like saying no to your friends because you have a long training day, falling off your bicycle because you cannot unclip your shoes or even feeling a little disappointed in yourself for not waking up early enough to do your morning workout.

I think the highs and lows for every individual are so different. And, if you are an overthinking people pleaser like me, you don’t just have highs and lows. You have HIGH highs and LOW lows. Throughout this journey, I’ve had some really good moments of progress and some moments that felt quite futile. However, a few weeks out from my Ironman 70.3, I’ve truly felt my very first LOW low in this process. You see the one thing that I’ve had a little bit of a struggle with has been the bike rides. I would get on the bike and get so completely in my head about the ride. “I need to get my cleat in the pedal”, “I need to keep my handle bar straight”, “What if I fall again?”, “Why is this so difficult!”, “I can barely cycle, how do I expect to do this race!”, “I am completely in over my head here, what was I thinking”. My self-doubt starts pouring out of my brain the moment I prop my leg over my bike.

Following my last big fall on the bike, I entered my biggest slump in this journey. I contacted my coach and basically told him that I’m not in a good headspace, that I feel like pulling out and giving up, that I am worried for myself because absolutely none of my bike rides have gone well. My coach recommended that I take a drive and perhaps do a ride with them and the team. I was in such a mental funk; I told him that I would think about it. The following day I woke up and was most definitely not in a good mental state. I sat next to my dad, and I just started crying. At the time I felt a huge sense of hopelessness, of loneliness and honestly, I felt like I was failing myself. I’ve tried and pushed so hard throughout the year, only for me to want to give up. It felt so completely impossible to even envision myself doing something so out of my depth. I tried taking my bike out to practice clipping in and out, only to fall again. At this point I was done, defeated. I took my bike back into the house, went into my room and I slept. I guess to me, the only way I could avoid feeling so beat up was to sleep, that way I couldn’t feel anything, couldn’t think about anything but just sleep and hope that when I woke up, I would feel a bit better. Spoiler, I didn’t.

My dad kept asking me what I was going to do, and honestly I didn’t know. I took a drive to the mall and just walked. I think I needed the distraction. “What am I going to do? Am I going to drive all the way to ride with my coach, am I going to pull out from the race?”, “I spent so much time and money on this, I’ll be so disappointed in myself if I give up now and I don’t try”, “I feel so hopeless.”. So many of these thoughts were going through my mind. I had to resort to my default, and I moved and made decisions on auto pilot. I told my coach I’ll show up for the ride, told my dad that we’re going and must pack my bike in the car. I drove approximately 180km, got to the location and felt so nervous. I almost packed my bike back into my car, but I dad was so adamant and said I must get on my bike. A few hours later, I rode my bike, met some amazing people and felt the comradery of the cycling community. I felt so joyous and proud of myself for doing what I needed to do even though I was on the verge of giving up. In about two to three days I experienced such a low low and the only way I even got to my high high was to push past the negative self-talk, the feelings of self-doubt or of being inexperienced. I had to face the fear of falling on my bike again. Although I have done all of this, I wouldn’t say that I am 100% confident. I am sure that I can slowly push through the difficult moments. I have an amazing support system and despite feeling so down, I learnt that I do have some mental resilience. This journey is not easy, it tests you and the faith that you have in yourself. You spend so much time with your own thoughts and eventually you have to learn to speak positively with yourself, to encourage yourself, to face your fears and to sometimes suck it up and do the hard thing. It sucks, it’s not easy, you constantly doubt yourself, your abilities, your training.

There will always be low lows, but try not to dwell on them, try to move forward even when you don’t want to. Take that step blindly, you’ll figure it out along the way. The secret lies in that first step, I told my coach I would join the ride but was not even sure what I was getting myself into, was not sure where the place was, was not sure if I could even do the ride. Just take that first step even when you don’t feel like it, you’ll thank yourself later for not giving up.